Deep Thoughts....by Jack Handey
The perfect gift for the President would be a chocolate handgun. But he's a very busy man, so you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
If you ever fall off the top of a really tall building, you should just go limp, like a dummy. Then somebody may try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, just let them...'cause MAN, they're gone!!
When a child asks me 'Why does it rain?', I think a funny thing to say is 'Because God is crying.' And when that child asks me why God is crying, I think another funny thing to say is "It's probably because of something you did.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
If trees could scream, would we still cut them down? We would if they screamed constantly. And for no good reason.
It's sad that a family could be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I bet that most of the time, being down in a dungeon was pretty bad, but some days, you look out your little window during a horrible storm, and you think, "man, I'm glad I'm not out in that".
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Sometimes when I see something hurtling itself across the floor and it lunges at someone and attaches itself to their neck, I stop and say...what is that thing?
It's amazing when you think that there is an entire world all around us we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the world of the invisible scary skeletons.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
And my personal favorite...
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
If you ever fall off the top of a really tall building, you should just go limp, like a dummy. Then somebody may try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, just let them...'cause MAN, they're gone!!
When a child asks me 'Why does it rain?', I think a funny thing to say is 'Because God is crying.' And when that child asks me why God is crying, I think another funny thing to say is "It's probably because of something you did.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
If trees could scream, would we still cut them down? We would if they screamed constantly. And for no good reason.
It's sad that a family could be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I bet that most of the time, being down in a dungeon was pretty bad, but some days, you look out your little window during a horrible storm, and you think, "man, I'm glad I'm not out in that".
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Sometimes when I see something hurtling itself across the floor and it lunges at someone and attaches itself to their neck, I stop and say...what is that thing?
It's amazing when you think that there is an entire world all around us we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the world of the invisible scary skeletons.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
And my personal favorite...
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
posted by Amy at 12:03 AM
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